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Kihō no Monogatari
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Xavid's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, August 7th, 2019
8:56 am
Civilization and Duality
A morning talk, as given by Marelle.

Civilization, fundamentally, separates the true from the false.

That's not to say that everyone in a frame agrees on everything. Of course people argue all the time, and much profit is made on conflicts of perspective.

But underneath those peaks of disagreement is an iceberg of shared assumptions that no one notices because that's just "how the world works".

Assumptions about what's true, and what's false. How much things should cost. What has value. What someone deserves. What is normal, what is just.

You might think that, out here in the wastes, we're not defined by civilization. But it's not something you can escape by just walking. We can't but live in relation to civilization.

Some of this is good. Without civilization we wouldn't have medicines, we wouldn't have screws, clean water would be harder to come by.

Some of it is unhelpful. We bring our old angers, our unhealthy desires, our biases. And we live amidst others' trash.

And we bring these assumptions of true and false with us, too. They're tied in with the way we think.

They're baked into our stories.

We come from different places, from different frames. That helps, some.

Yet how can we escape the duality of true and false if we're still entangled in the places we came from?

But thinking of it as an escape is wrong. Fleeing something is just chasing a contrast.

And pursuing nonduality in these terms is like asking a stone to fly.
Sunday, August 4th, 2019
6:38 am
Death
Liloa goes to Marelle, late one evening. The fire's died down, the sun's long gone, and clouds cover the stars. She speaks quietly. "Are we dead?"

Everyone's used to you listening, perhaps, or maybe she doesn't notice you sitting by the fading coals. Marelle smiles back at Liloa, but seems a bit sad. "Why do you ask a thing like that?"

Liloa's words come quick, like they're bubbling out of her. "Because the campfire's the same each night, no matter where we've traveled to. Because the stories you all tell make no sense. Because you grow strange crops I've never seen before. Because the stars are wrong."

She pauses, there, but Marelle says nothing, waits expectantly. You think about the stars, but you could barely see them as a kid even when the sky was clear. You don't know what they're supposed to look like.

Liloa starts again, hesitantly. "Because I went back to my village."

Marelle nods slowly.

"Because I went back to my village, and I saw someone that I knew, and I called his name, and he looked away and didn't respond. And the paths I knew so well seemed strange and uneven. And I ate a banana, and it tasted of ashes and dust."

Marelle sighs. "The Liloa you used to be is dead, perhaps. You certainly can't go back. Those choices have already been made." She seeks Liloa's eyes. "I'm sorry."

Then, more firmly. "But the person you are now is alive, just like the rest of us. We're alive, and making new choices. And maybe you can write yourself a new story."

Marelle looks away from the ashes, off into the darkness. "And if you can, maybe I can too."
Monday, July 8th, 2019
11:25 pm
Stability
 You approach Meda one evening, after the circle's done but with the fire still glowing. Marelle had pointed her out to you, one of those early days, but you haven't spoken and she's never told her story, at least when you've been around.

"Don't say it," Meda says without looking, before you've even opened your mouth. "People only ever say two things, and I'm sick of both of them. And your face tells me it's not some architectural emergency."

"Sorry," you say. "I'll leave you alone."

She doesn't respond, just keeps staring out into the darkness.

***

It's a few nights later before Meda comes and sits next to you as you're finishing your soup. She's not apologetic, but she's at least less harsh. "It wasn't about you at all, really. I don't get on well with people."

You gesture broadly at the crowd around the fire. "Why live here, with the camp, then?"

She shrugs a little, looks off to the side. "I lived off by myself for years. But even then people saw me as a monster to fight or a weapon to use."

"And it's better here?"

"At least sometimes, they leave me alone when I ask." She pauses. "It's not that they don't know I'm useful, but at least I'd still be welcome here if I weren't."

You nod. "You help with maintenance, right?"

She laughs. It's not unkind, but you feel like you're missing the joke. "Occasionally, yes."

You're not sure how to respond, so you change tack. "I notice you listen to the stories a lot. Do you at least enjoy that?"

Meda considers, her gaze flitting between the others in the circle. "It's something to do, at least. It reminds me that I'm not the only one who got a raw deal. But it feels pretty pointless after a while."

The nightly circles, the openness people show here, still feels pretty alien to you. That's hard to say out loud, though. "Marelle thinks it's important."

Meda shakes her head. "Marelle thinks it's still possible to fix the world. But I think the world was always broken. I just wasn't always someone who got cut by its edge. And how do you fix something that's never been whole?"

You nod slowly. "Yeah, it seems hard enough just to build something stable for ourselves out here."

"Well, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's stability. But stability isn't happiness."

"You're not happy here?"

"Trying not to be what I am certainly wasn't helping. I've gotten it through my head to stop doing that. Doesn't mean I don't still feel like a monster or a tool. And I'm not sure I even know what happiness would be."

You remember times you felt happy, so long ago they feel like dreams. And more recently, a quieter form of happiness. But not really one you know how to share. "Well, what do you want?"

She doesn't respond for long enough that you're surprised when she does. "I guess for what I am to mean something that's not just my reflection in others."

There's nothing really you can say to that.
Thursday, July 4th, 2019
12:10 am
Tidepools
"It's like a tidepool," she says.

You're sitting next to her, on a rocky peak above the beach. If you don't look to closely, it's not hard to imagine the waves are washing over seashells and rocks instead of broken bottles and rust.

"A tidepool is small. It has boundaries. You can know every inch of it, who lives there, the rules it follows, its balance. If you live there, it's your whole world, and you know how the world works.

"And then the tide comes in, and you're swept into the ocean. And you don't know where you are, or if you'll ever see anything familiar again. You don't know the rules. You don't know how to live. There are no boundaries, any more.

"And maybe the tide goes back out, and you find yourself in another tide pool. And you try to pretend it's the way it was before, even though it's a different world, and it's not the one you know.

"And maybe you're caught in a riptide, devoured by the open sea, never to return. You'll never have a world you can make sense of again." Her gaze is steady, far out to the horizon. A gull glides overhead, silent amidst the sound of surf.

"And maybe you end up like us. Tossed onto dry land. Looking down at the tidepools and wondering how we ever survived."

"It's pretty," you say. There are tide pools below, little rocky things. You can't tell if anything's alive in them, not from up here. "But it's not quite right. If I were a fish in a tidepool, I'd die stranded on dry land."

She doesn't shift her gaze. "What is death, if not a world unknown? And what is life, except to hope to that you're a crab?"
Thursday, February 28th, 2019
11:31 am
I’m not bold enough to write this as a “Speculative Queerness Manifesto”
(reposting because I want to be able to link to this somewhere other than Tumblr)

I don’t really write or talk about being genderqueer or queerness in general. It’s hard to talk about things I haven’t really figured out, I guess. I don’t really have self-consensus on much.

But in some ways, the story I’m the right person to tell should be based on who I am, I guess. (Technically I’ve written more with DID representation than genderqueer representation, but that just sorta happened.)

Anyways, a while back Jennachat folks, largely @geostatonary and @laenan, had some discourse about what a Queer Narrative might be, as distinct from queer representation. I won’t try to present their perspectives; I’m sure I’d get it wrong. But that, in combination with some other stuff like @templeofshame‘s Flying V JoCo show, Where The Water Tastes Like Wine, and my continual desire to figure out what a non-fanfic response to Hitherby would look like, has had me thinking about this stuff a lot.

The way I’m seeing it right now, there are different “levels” a… non-defaulting, or whatever, work can operate on. (I’m primarily thinking about queerness, but hypothetical distinctly queer examples are also hard for me to think of and insert concisely, and I feel like this same analysis also applies to other things like “feminist” gender-role subversions as well as other types of marginalization I’m less well-situated to speak on. I’m gonna mostly say “queer” here and handwave the fact that some of my examples are more properly gay, because it’s my party, but I think the same analysis applies to other forms of non-defaulting to varying extents.)

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Thursday, November 15th, 2018
12:14 am
Bones
Prompted by Skeletons by Alexander Wolfe.

There are 206 bones in the human body.

You were born with over 270 bones, though many of those later fused.

I was not.

I gathered my bones one by one.

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Saturday, November 3rd, 2018
6:46 pm
Your Job
Prompted by I Wrote Mr. Tambourine Man by John Craigie, and perhaps Yokohama Kaidashi Kikō.

They say that a calling is a job you'd do even if you didn't need to work.

I guess we all work for different reasons.

Money, of course. Recognition. Satisfaction? The feeling of helping someone? Raw enjoyment?

Does anyone really enjoy a job so much they'd do it just for that, alone?

I feel like wouldn't call that a job any more.

But what do you call this, then?

It's been three years, you reckon.

You were worried about food, at first, but it turns out the ash is good for growing things. You'll run out of cans eventually, but you think you'll be okay.

It's not that no one notices you, of course. There's not so much to talk about as I'd have expected. The weather's more of a constant drain. But you attempt it, now and again. Sometimes there's a basket of zucchini. Sometimes, you offer water or tea.

You don't try to talk about your work.

It's not that it's private, really.

It's more a habit, a compulsive tick you haven't confronted.

It's not like any of them would try to steal it, or have anything to do with it if they did.

But old burns linger.

Most of the daylight, you're quiet and alone. You tend your plantings, listen to the raw breeze. You take short trips, these days more to know the land than to scavenge. You pump water. You hum half-remembered songs.

And then you go back, to your basement beneath a ruined office building surrounded by gourds and apple trees.

Sit in the dark, there, with your guttering lamplight.

Your dusty, heavy, slightly moldy books.

Your binders and binders of notes.

And write briefs for a shattered court that's been empty and ash for three years.
Thursday, September 27th, 2018
10:53 pm
Certainties
Prompted by One True Thing by Tylan (and brainstorming for Dreampunk with Sarah).

We don’t have much in the way of certainty, least ‘round these parts.

A knife feels good and solid. But ‘less you’re real careful, it’ll be as like to cut you as the one you’re tangling with. And that’s if they don’t wrest it from you.

A friend you’ve known for years, stuck with through hunger and thirst? Like as not, come a bad dust season too many, they’ll act like you’re any other bugger.

Used to be the sky was always there, above us, careless to our petty murders. But that’s burned up too, now.

If you think the only one you can count on’s yerself, then you’re in for a rude awakening sooner than soon. I’ve let myself down more’n can be counted.

What then? Well, death o’course. Taxes, depends on how you fight.

Broader-wise, decay. Entropy, y’dsay. Stuff runs down. Nothing stays.

And that each day, each hour, each breath we fight against these certainties exalts us, refines us, makes us diamonds rippling out against the ashes of the sky.
Wednesday, September 5th, 2018
10:57 pm
That Less Faster
Prompted by Bottomfeeder by Amanda Palmer.

"That's not how karma works," she said. "There's not some Universal Karma Authority that measures how much you tipped your last cab driver and adjusts your expected time to hail your next cab accordingly."

It was raining, of course. I told her to stay in the shade. We didn't have any sunscreen.

"They did an experiment, you know. Goldfish and catfish."

I was halfway in the street at this point, with my arm outstretched. Another cab drove past. Its light was on, there was no one in the back seat. The driver didn't even slow down.

"Goldfish can only remember things for three seconds, and catfish are immortal."

I reminded her the goldfish thing was a myth. I decided against bringing up lobsters.

"So they make the fish play prisoner's dilemma, see."

The woman at the desk had assured me that a cab was on the way, would arrive at any minute.

"Each fish can push two buttons, and they get food based on the result. Then they play again the next day."

I pointed out the foolishness of iterating assuming short memories.

"That's exactly the point."

By now, my jacket was soaked through. A speeding car splashed me up to my knees.

"The goldfish do way better than the catfish."

By playing randomly, I supposed.

"No, dummy. Goldfish have karma."

Another empty cab drove past, ignoring my frantic gesturing.

"See, goldfish can't remember because they're backwards. They pick based on the future."

I told her to get back in the shadow. A cab drove past while I was distracted, but I couldn't tell if it was occupied.

"That's why they don't mind when we kill them, too."

I saw a flash of lightning out of the corner of my eye.

"So, here, your problem is you're going to tip poorly because you're in a bad mood."

I insisted that was none of her concern.

"Lend me $40. I'll pay the tip."

A burst of thunder echoed lazily.

"'Cmon, the sun's getting high already."

I shrugged, pulled my wallet from my sodden pocket, and handed her the money.

"See, it's all about credible intention."

I shook my head, looking down to try to keep the water out of my eyes.

Just then, a cab pulled up, slowing down enough to only splash my shoes.
Thursday, August 30th, 2018
3:48 pm
Dagger and Hand
Prompted by Pearls by Antje Duvekot, though I didn’t stick very close.

We all sell ourselves, in the end. Don’t have any illusions about it. I just cut a little closer to the violence, is all. Or I did, at least. Who knows what I’ll do now.

It’s not that it doesn’t matter what you do. I could be a saint the rest of my days and still not get these hands clean. But that’s true of more ov’em than anyone likes to admit. Taking someone’s roof, their medicine, they hide all that behind a wall of math and sip fancy kalch. At least a dagger’s honest.

And everyone’s gotta eat, in the end. If I lasted longer'n most, earned a nicer level of keep, I was still doin'a same as anyone.

So why am I here, with you, under this scrap heap? Well, it’s a funny thing. Just when you think you’ve seen everything, something still manages to surprise you. I’m used to marks begging, offering bribes, invoking fell curses. I don’t pay such things any mind.

But this mark. A small-time warlord of a minor settlement. He was up in one of those blasted-out ancient towers. Just sitting there, by himself. Like he was waiting for me.

He shouldn’t have been able to see me, but he spoke. “Thank you.” I thought nothing would throw me, any more, but that took me aback somehow.

But I was a professional. I only paused a moment, then pulled out my gun and fired.

He lay there bleeding as I gathered my proof, but he scarcely seemed to be in pain. Must’ve been hopped up on something. Just said “I’d gotten tired. Now I can have something new.”

I don’t really know why it broke me, but it did. The world wasn’t the same after that. I didn’t want to kill, the money, to follow orders, any more. I didn’t want to be someone’s tool.

And, since my life wasn’t something you get to retire from, I had to leave, go into hiding. And now I’m here, I guess. Who knows how long I get before it catches up to me. But somehow huddling here, hungry, I don’t seem to mind.
Saturday, March 3rd, 2018
12:09 am
A Wish Askew
So, my obsession this week with Dream Askew and some discussions about Valence and GM roles in Jennachat inspired me with a Chuubo’s!Dream Askew hack. The basic concept is that character abilities are simplified into high-valence MP-costing moves, ordinary-valence, and negative-valence MP-generating moves. In addition to playing a character, each player also plays a genre and a region of town, having default control over stuff that happens in that region and characters from that region in addition to events fitting with that genre. (Possibly with some motivation to encourage that genre.)

I sorta want to do the region/genre sheets as folded tent cards so that the other players could see the XP actions and properties, but I don’t know how well that’d work in practice.

I think maybe XP and wounds work like in Chuubo’s? Maybe with XP simplified down into one kind of thing? If so there should be emotion XP somewhere on the character sheets.

I do really like this approach in general. It certainly works a lot better for Chuubo’s than any of my previous attempts.

A Wish Askew
Thursday, January 4th, 2018
11:54 pm
A Ryuutama Playbook
I got Ryuutama for Christmas and it seems really interesting! Much more D&D-y than I'm normally into, but I'm digging the Oregon Trail feel and the whimsy. I haven't gotten to play or anything yet. But in character creation I got frustrated at how non-self-contained things were, so I decided to prototype a PbtA-style-playbook-inspired character sheet. (As is my wont.)

(I feel when people think about Apocalypse World/PbtA they often focus on the dice and moves, but honestly I think the playbook encapsulation and the GM direction are crucial as well.)

Anyways, here's what I came up with. Of course, maybe when I actually play my thoughts will evolve, but I still feel like this works pretty well.
Wednesday, October 4th, 2017
8:38 pm
Overthinking Narrativism

So, periodically I have disagreements on the word “narrativist”, so in an effort to overthink games more, I’ve been thinking about how exactly I use it. Well, literally I use it mostly for story-focused tabletop systems and experimental-to-me LARPs.* But when I’ve historically described something as narrativist, I think I’ve been referring to one or more of the following distinct things:

  1. Meaningful Choices
  2. Shared Narrative Control
  3. Explicit Scene Framing/Narrative Structure
  4. Focus on Feel and Themes
  5. Bleed/Steering
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Friday, July 7th, 2017
11:39 pm
On Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
I’d had Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance recommended to me years and years ago, when I really liked Writing Down the Bones. I’m… really not sure at this point why that makes sense. But I'm glad to have read it and have lots of thoughts, some of which I’ll relate here. (Spoilers for a decades-old weird book.)

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Tuesday, May 16th, 2017
10:34 pm
Chuubo's Book 1 Musings

So, we recently finished book 1 of my Chuubo’s Marvelous Wish-Granting Engine campaign, and apparently people liked it enough to keep going (after a brief Dogs in the Vineyard break). It’s been a lot of fun and really eye-opening in terms of the realms of possibilities for tabletopping mechanics. I thought I’d take some time to write down some of my scattered thoughts and musings. Collapse )

Monday, May 8th, 2017
10:33 pm
On Torment
So, I finished Torment: Tides of Numenera. It was good! It was very Planescape: Torment-y, which is exactly what it said on the tin. In the manner of one who spent the whole game comparing, I have some various and sundry thoughts. These… probably end up sounding overly harsh, but it’s really just that it’s easy to nitpick and overthink stuff like this. I’m going to try to avoid major spoilers, but perhaps talk about some late-game stuff obliquely.
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Friday, March 3rd, 2017
1:01 am
Thoughts on Singularity
So, I ran Singularity (https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/186728/Singularity) last weekend. Five times, in fact. It was my first time running an in-print published LARP, and (depending on technicalities) probably my first time running a LARP I’d neither helped write nor played. It was a lot of fun! It was also a lot different than I’m used to, so I thought I’d write down some thoughts.

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Monday, September 5th, 2016
11:15 am
Librarians Errant: Facts and Knowledge
So, I’m not sure how much of that Truths stuff will actually make it into Librarians at this point; it’s probably a bit general. Here’s some other, more specific stuff I’ve been thinking about since then. (Thanks, Sarah!)

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Thursday, September 1st, 2016
12:35 am
On Secrets
So, there were a couple of things I was thinking about when I braindumped about Truths. One was about the role of player secrets, and more generally player knowledge and “metagaming”. Like with basically everything, how you handle secrets in a game depends on what you’re trying to accomplish and your intention.

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Thursday, August 25th, 2016
9:36 pm
Librarians Errant: Truths and Motes
So, mucking about with my ideas for Librarians Errant, I've ended up positing a system, working name "Truths", that's heavily influenced by my experience with Chuubo's, WTF, and Dogs in the Vineyard. It's still very much in flux, but here's a basic sketch of part of it… with examples almost completely of no relation to Librarians.

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